“Mom!!” I scream into my phone as I drive away from Red Mountain Resort under the sinking Utah sun. “Something has happened!”
“Are you OK? What is it? Where are you?”
“And now … something is different. I can’t even begin to explain it,” I marvel in utter disbelief on the quick change my life has suddenly made.
It’s only been 20 minutes, but I’m high. There is no sad in me anymore.
The sadness, the pain, the hatred, which reared its ugly head and began to drag me down, down, down, has disappeared.
My heart is racing. My shoulders are relaxed. There is this sense of peace I have never felt before that moves through my veins, beats with each pump of blood in my heart.
Suddenly, I am OK.
“Wow,” Mom says after I’ve explained what has just happened to me. “Ride this, D. Ride it as long as you can. But, if you start to feel sad again, don’t get discouraged. Remember this moment and how you feel.”
I promise her I will, and then I drive back in to Las Vegas.
There’s a point when coming into the city I used to loathe: a spot on I-15 when the desert gives way to the resort-laden Las Vegas skyline.
Tonight, as I drive in against a thick black, starless sky, and the bright lights of hotels glimmering in the distance, I don’t feel anything but total elation.
This is my chance to make my life right. This is my chance to love where I am. To love who I am … and I DO.
For the first time in months, I fall asleep and sleep through the night. And, in the morning, I wake up feeling the same high as the day before. I am energized. I have a bounce in my step. I stand in the mirror, trying to think a negative thought about me. But, something happens. I can’t. I don’t cringe. I don’t see something ugly. I see a girl who has finally found her way, finally made those demons who sat on her shoulder whispering into her ear every insecurity in the world have nothing to whisper.
It’s as if a spell has been cast on me.
I am incapable of feeling bad for myself. I am incapable of hating myself. I look in the mirror and I smile … and it is genuine.
I. Am. Happy. Healed.
And, I know what needs to be done with my life.
When I met with the shaman, she had explained to me the need to put my desires out into the universe, to let the world know what I want.
So, on this gorgeous Sunday morning, glowing from the weekend, I put the following out:
I want to quit my job.
I want to travel.
I want to work with elephants.