The most horrifying Thailand moment

Today started like normal.

6 a.m.: Mr. Lucky starts digging between my pillows and pulls out The Bloggess‘ new book, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” (which, BTW, is super hilarious).

6:05 a.m.: I kick Mr. Lucky out of the room.

6:30 a.m.: I. Am. Awake. Damnit.

6:45 a.m.: I get ready for work, lock my front door and head out of my house.

6:47 a.m.: I am about 10 feet from my front gate. If that. And there. On the ground. Is THE most horrifying thing I have seen since I have been in Thailand. [Ed. Note: OK, not THE most horrifying thing I have seen. I work in elephant tourism, so there are PLENTY of horrifying things I have seen here. But, for dramatic purposes, THIS is THE most horrifying thing.]

At first, I don’t really notice it. I have glasses, but live in constant denial that my vision is deteriorating rapidly. So, when I first look down on the ground, I simply see a thick black line against the graying pavement.

Then, I get closer.

And, it isn’t a thick black line at all. It is more like a pitchfork.

I get even closer.

It is a pitchfork with a hook at the end of the straight bit.

And, the pitches? They are more link pincers.

Then, it is no longer blurry.

It is the largest, most ugliest thing I have seen in 2014. A scorpion. Dead, but still.

I gasp. Loudly.

I have seen a few scorpions since I have lived here. Always dead. Always on the road. And, always near my house. Why are they always dead on the road? I have no idea. But, let me tell you — I am glad they are.

They are the big, gross, black kind. The ones you cannot kill because, I mean, they are huge. And did I already say gross? ‘Cause that, too.

Last year, when I first got my cats, and the dead scorpions started to pop up, I got Google obsessed with them. My little Thai house is not sealed, and I begin to fear the worst: big, stinger-weilding scorpions sneaking into my home through lord-knows what openings in the middle of the night. Scary scorpions crawling on my bed. Being chased by my cats. Which made me start to Google if a sting from these nasty things could kill my cats. (They can’t — it is the little tree scorpions to look out for. I’ve never seen them near my house, but I am sure those little bastards are there.)

So, at 6:47 a.m., I whipped out my phone (hence how I knew the exact time of my Dead Scorpion Discovery) and snapped this scary as shit photo.

I am just so thankful the little devil was not alive.

What would you do if you came face-to-face with a living scorpion?

My friend and I were discussing this very question after my little encounter this morning.

I’m a chicken when it comes to bugs that can crunch underfoot. I mean, I let a cockroach live in my bathroom because 1) He (yup, I am going with the idea that the cockroach was a male) was gigantic. The biggest one I have seen. The mere thought of catching him, let alone killing him, made me anxious. 2) I kinda wanted to see what it would be like to have a pet cockroach. I watched Wall-E. They all can’t be bad, right? And, if these guys can outlive nuclear stuff, then they certainly deserve a chance to live in my bathroom.

I digress. Anyway, I am pretty sure I would freak the hell out if I saw a live scorpion in my house. I’m a single gal, living alone. If there was one of those massive black creatures in my house, I would scream. Loudly. And silently (or possibly while screaming) curse the fact that I am single and no one near me speaks English. Then, I would grab a broom and sweep it outside. I wouldn’t kill it because I hate killing things, and that thing is just too big, so I would sweep it down into the sewers and let a rat or something enjoy a plump dinner.

I know there are plenty of, um, exotic bugs in Thailand. And most I can live somewhat in harmony with. But, scorpions? Hell. No.